The family and friends of a person living with cancer frequently engage in a premature Death Watch; meanwhile, persons living with cancer are often distracted by a very different vigil, transfixed by their personal Rearview Mirror. Obsessively “looking behind” has exactly the effect you might expect: you don’t see the opportunities lying ahead of you until it’s too late. Keep your eye on the road, people!
Looking back and reliving the rewarding moments of a life well lived can be comforting if it doesn’t become an all-consuming obsession. What’s sad – and I believe, dangerous – is when the Rearview Mirror is foggy, clouded by regret. Rather than illuminating your loved one’s successes, accomplishments, contributions, legacies, and most fulfilling memories, this particular Rearview Mirror reflects a highway peppered with road signs that read “Woulda.” “Coulda.” “Shoulda.” It’s time for YOU, dear reader, to become a backseat driver.
I’m not suggesting that we sugarcoat the past, glossing over important mistakes and shortcomings. Every life has its potholes; acknowledging them -- and when necessary, apologizing for them -- is critical to making peace with one’s life. What I AM saying is let’s put them in perspective and move on. Instead of watching “Woulda, Coulda and Shoulda” go zipping by, you can help by pointing out other essential landmarks, “Achieved,” “Shone,” “Contributed,” and “Loved.”
When reflection centers on “failure” (almost certainly an exaggeration), guide the conversation towards success and accomplishments. When you start hearing, “I haven’t done anything with my life,” arm yourself with evidence to the contrary. I’m surprised how often this type of negative reminiscing centers upon perceived business and professional disappointments, negating generosity, intellect, and affection. You -- Daughter, Son, Spouse, Sibling, Dear Friend -- are living proof that your loved one has been successful. Careers, community service, masterpieces of creativity are meaningful contributions, but truly valuable legacies are the family and friends that have been carefully cultivated over time with love and support.
Of my friends and family who have lived with cancer, I can’t think of a single one whose life will be measured and deemed wanting; but there have been plenty of days when I needed to drive that message home. It’s important to shine a light on the mountain of non-monetary achievements and memories your loved one has amassed over her or his lifetime. The person who laments, “I haven’t done anything with my life,” needs to turn from the Rearview Mirror and look deeply into the eyes of someone who admires them. That’s the true window on life. And it’s a healthier, happier, view by far.
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